Joke Thread

[Scunz]

Husband sits for hours looking at his marriage license.

Wife asks "What are you doing?"

Husband says "Looking for the expiration date on this motherfucker."

[cold waters]

She was standing in the kitchen

Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,

Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake,

She turned and said softly,

'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,

'I am either still dreaming or

This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,

I embraced her and then gave it my all;

Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned

To the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken!'

[Scunz]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

[Brandon-K]

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales..

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.'

Ben, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.'

Old Bert, the cowboy from Nebraska, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

[cold waters]

GOLF PANTIES

'The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends

over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up

and reveals her lack of underwear.

Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?',

Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to

afford any..'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,

'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself

some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the

tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is

wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes

her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under

it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer

drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be

able ta affarrd any.


The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer

the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.

[HarryG]

now thats thinking with your dipstick jimmy

[jnj]

Do you know how they keep track of inbreeding in the USA? They count the seats at a Nascar race....

[Skunch the Skunk]

Yes I know how they keep track of inbreeding in the USA.

[oddfish]

Originally Posted by Skunch the Skunk

Yes I know how they keep track of inbreeding in the USA.

Hey Skunch,

Do you like Nascar?

OD

[test]

The Immigrant and
> The Fairy
>
> A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute
> refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office.
> 'My good man,' the fairy
> said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to
> grant you
> three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with
> your wife
> and three children.'
> The man told the fairy,
> 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want
> new teeth,
> maybe a lot of gold in them.'
> The fairy looked at the
> man's almost toothless grin and - PING! -- He had a brand new
> shining
> set of gold teeth in his mouth!
> What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
> The refugee claimant now got bolder.
> 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis
> on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of
> my
> relatives who still live in my country.
> I want to bring them all
> over here - PING! - In the distance there could be seen a
> beautiful
> mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout
> patio with a
> BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
>
>
> 'One
> more wish', said the
> fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.
> I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of
> these tore cloths, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I
> want to have white skin like Americans.
>
> PING! - The
> man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles
> T-shirt and a
> baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had
> disappeared from the horizon.
> 'What happened to my new
> teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
> THIS IS GOOD
> ......... .. .
> . . . . . .
>
>
> The fairy
> said 'Tough luck', Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to
> fend for yourself.'
> And she disappeared.