Joke Thread

[Brandon-K]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Maine for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it into the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[Brandon-K]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End

[Brandon-K]

Mowing & Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she
came over and shouted at me, 'you should be hung!'

I took a drink from my Sam Adams, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Oakley sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,

'I am, that's why she cuts the grass!'

[Brandon-K]

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert .

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.

He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know,there are 250 men here on the post & no women.

And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel'.

The Captain says, 'I can't say I condone this, but I Understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain star ts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the

sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild,

insane sex with the camel. When he's done,he asks the sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No, not really, sir....they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'

[Brandon-K]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.




The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.






Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet. Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'





The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'





The mortician thought this was rather strange.





So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'





The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'





The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'





Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assh*les.'





'What? He had two assh*les?' asked the mortician.





'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:





'There's Bubba with them two assh*les.'

[Brandon-K]

Presidential candidate Barack H. Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classrooms. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the presidential candidate if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious democrat presidential candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'If afraid not,' explained Barack, 'that would be a great loss.'

The room went silent. NO other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either.'

[Brandon-K]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE

black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at

him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound

testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and

brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak

voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd

just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks

me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch

private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner

Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown? !...Sweet Jesus, I thought you

said "turn around!"

[Brandon-K]

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his
day with an
8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On
the third
cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when
his cell
phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man
told the
doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as
soon as
possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
shaping up to be
his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to
the hospital
He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip
with a
stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds.
He was
jubilant!

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the
hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.

The doctor glared at him and somberly said, 'You went ahead and
finished
your fishing trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond,
your wife
has been suffering intensely in the ICU! It's just as well you
went ahead
and finished, because it will be more than likely the last
fishing trip you
ever take!'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the
clock care.

And you'll be her care giver forever!'

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just messin with you.
She's dead.
What'd you catch?'

[oddfish]

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER


December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our
cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift
down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt
like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the
landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the
whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and
the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life!


December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbour
tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our
neighbour.


December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up
by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough
came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I
would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires
for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly.
We aren't in Alaska , after all.


December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down
salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.


December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room.


December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit
fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took
me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.
By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to
shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the
winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.


December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's lying.


December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that
snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to
death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me
to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me
to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the damn snowplough.


December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in.
The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the
snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with
my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking
idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.


December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of
waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.


December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!


December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a
million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove
the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more
inches predicted.


December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.


January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why
am I tied to the bed?

[Scunz]

Wife says to her husband "I have a headache"

Husband says "Good, I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with Tylenol....you can take it orally or as a suppository."


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A man's wife came in wearing a sexy nighty and told him "Tie me up and do what you want"

So he tied her up, fucked her sister and went fishing.