Joke Thread

[cold waters]

'To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I
am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at
the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall
be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the
following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this
opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years
old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with
Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis
team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is
18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent
knowledge of Math, you will understand although it may
appear that we are in the same situation, there is one
mathematical difference: 18 goes into 54
a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

[cold waters]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of Farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts... Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right.' 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.' 'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up Farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[cold waters]

One day, three friends went to the "Ten's Club." One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute... then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

[Brandon-K]

Ed Zachary Disease


A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or gotten any in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a special therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not get any or haf dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

[kkevvy]

Haha, butterface.

Everythings nice... but-er-face!

[cold waters]

"Make it a double, Joe," the dejected man told the bartender. "I just got the shock of my life.
I caught my wife screwing my best friend."
"Paul, that's awful. What did you do?"
"I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent
him to bed with no Kibbles N Bits."

[Brandon-K]

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass topieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheapwe don't need to drink with the same one twice. The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer,throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots theglass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so
much sandto makeglasses that we don't need to drink with the same onetwice either. '

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whipsout her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catchingher glass,setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabsthat we don't have to drink with the same onestwice.'

[Brandon-K]

Golf Panties

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake
of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency,
here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.

[Brandon-K]

[Riverjim]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started